indifferent

i'm still not yet cured. once i found out that i lost my sense of time and my care for time, i thought that i just needed to reel myself back to reality. (reality in the sense of my daily routine) but no. it was harder than that. i sank into a deeper hole just by trying to do that.

so yesterday, i told Jessica about this particular problem and yesterday i started to feel a bit pressured. she may have black mailed me but it's okay. the pressure slowly faded but i was mindful of the words she said. of the words my eyes saw on Choco's closet. Prove Yourself. My whole life was dedicated to proving my self to my parents, my friends, my enemies, and even to myself. And i guess being independent, on my own, made me feel like I didn't need to go so far.

I was wrong. I do still need to prove myself. To my father, to Evelyn, to Jacob, to my room mates, and myself. But why did this want and slight need to prove them wrong fade away? My life's purpose to prove that I can do whatever I want with flying colors is slowly diminishing. And why?

I don't understand it myself. There are alot of factors I believe. Jessica and I tried to put it all on the table to evaluate. Then she said something that sort of struck me "But I don't get it," she paused for breath, "You're happy."

true. I am happy. I am content with life to say the least. But maybe, I'm so content with my life that.... I stopped caring about anything more. I am content, anyways, why bother try? It's probably the reason why drama even exists. It's eventful. Tears, curses, judgments. It gives our lives in a sense more thrill. It gives us the satisfaction of knowing we are still alive.

Drama exists to those who have nothing better to do with their lives. I mean, you can avoid all of it, but we choose not to. Sadly, I miss that. i don't miss the fxcked up emotions I feel but I miss myself being aware of my surroundings. I miss wanting to prove to them that they're the bxtch.

I used to care too much. I cared too much of what people thought of me (thus the millions of apologies I give when I've realized the error of my ways or when I just want things to be better), I cared too much of the time, I was thriving in paranoia. But now. but now. I'm indifferent. I'm supposed to be scared. But I'm not.